Tuesday, March 30, 2010

ellen's advice of the day

i have a knack for breaking jewelry... specifically necklaces. specifically long necklaces with some sort of something on the end of it.

i did just this to one of my favorite necklaces while i was visiting friends in kansas city. today on the phone, my mom inquired as to why it's always long necklaces with heavier objects on the end of them. i replied, "well this one was because i was an idiot and was dancing really hard while swinging it around my neck," to which she responded, "how about this? from now on, don't wear those types of necklaces if you're at work or dancing" (she says this because my last necklace like this one i broke while sitting at my desk at work - NOT MY FAULT, IT JUST HAPPENED). and my response to her was, "but, mom, those are the only two things i do. if i'm not dancing, i'm working and vice versa. so now what?" "well," she said, "i guess this means you can only wear these types of necklaces while in the comfort of your own home when you are sitting still."

so there you have it, people. take it from ellen. wearing long, fancy necklaces is only safe when you are sitting completely still. otherwise, shit's gonna get fucked up. it just sucks that my 2 hobbies in life are working and dancing - nothing in between. good bye, long necklaces....


someone give me a wooden board to bang my head against

and not in a sexy way, either.

here are some things that make me laugh:

fake laughing
fake anger
fake crying
fake excitement
fake designer bags because i'm like, guuuuurl, sucks you can't afford a real one! (not. i have 1 and it was around 80% off its original price).

basically, my point is, when in doubt fake emotion. it's really fun and attention grabbing.



Monday, March 29, 2010


nothing like taking your first after-lunch sip of water during mid-afternoon and choking really loud as it goes down the wrong tube.

happy mondayyyy!

Friday, March 26, 2010

traffic 101

i write about driving a lot (or maybe i just think about writing about it a lot but then i stop myself so i don't only always write about traffic), but it's because people are idiots. actually, if we were all to be honest, we're all idiots when it comes to driving, but there are just certain things i KNOW i don't do that other drivers do.

prime example: cause a traffic jam on a major highway because of a branch in the middle of the road. THIS IS DALLAS, PEOPLE. NOT NOWHERE, USA WHERE YOU CAN BE EXTRA CAUTIOUS AND ALLOW A BRANCH TO MAKE ITS WAY ACROSS THE ROAD WHILE YOU WAIT PATIENTLY. I DON'T CARE IF YOU'RE DRIVING AN EXPENSIVE PIECE OF SHIT, RUN OVER IT AND LET'S GO. seriously. tacking on an extra 10 minutes to my drive solely for a branch that fell from a tree? someone might as well park their car in the middle of 75, get out, pick up the branch, put it in your car, and drive the fuck onwardddddd. it would take the same amount of time.

happy weekend to you all.

Thursday, March 25, 2010

damaging memories, vol. 1

in getting into a conversation about whether i was planning on participating in my office's softball league, memories rose up from the inner depths of my once-a-child soul that i hadn't revisited in years. by way of prying, my co-workers who were engaging me during this conversation, were able to stir my pot and get me to talk about one of the worst softball memories i have to date (then again, all of them are bad because i'm really bad at sports in general).

i was on a softball team when i was about 10/11. we had just moved to texas and my parents decided to force me to join this softball team since the coach and his daugther who was my age lived literally 2 houses down from us. i was new to school and to being a texan, so i was like, "whatev, that's fine. give me some more cheerios or something first, though."

i was awful. i mean, it's no surprise considering i was apart of my soccer team at age 7 for maybe a season and the one time i was thrown into the goal, i let literally every single ball fly past me screaming and crying all the while. any ball i hit with the bat in softball was a foul one. no, really. it smelled bad. ha, JAY KAY. long story short, i didn't enjoy playing at all, but i stuck with it to have friends. yeah, like that really worked out.

i'll never forget the punch line of my story that i'm about to present to you within the next few sentences. it was the last game of the season, a night game (ooo sexy). as i was about to take my boring left-field position, my teammates informed me that my coach's daughter (who lived 2 houses down from me JUST IN CASE YA FORGOT BECAUSE I DIDN'T) was having an end-of-the-season slumber party... and i hadn't been informed. every single girl had known about this way before the game and had come prepared with sleeping bags and i was empty-handed. i was the only girl on the team she hadn't invited.

are you tearing up yet? do you realize how damaging that shit is for a 10-year-old little girl with a boy's haircut and olive skin tone who constantly is mistaken for a latina?

i cried in the outfield the entire game. sobbing. massive, 10-year-old girl tears pouring down my face like a waterfall of humiliation. i pulled my cap down as far as i could in order to hide my sensitivity, but it didn't even matter. i was the joke of the team. or should i say... the JEW of the team?

that's right. i have 2 words for my ex-coach and his creepily-weird-no-doubt-in-my-mind-she-will-die-alone-with-30-cats daughter... ANTI-SEMITE.

don't worry, i got to go. yeah, she gave me the pity invite. and i went, OH DID I GO. i ramsacked her entire house, shat on everything and cut holes in all her clothes. no, not really. i probably acted pretty normal, but the point is... little girls suck.

sticks and stones may break my bones, but i will mend them and then slap your mouth.


Monday, March 22, 2010

census? sense THIS

i don't really know what my title means, but i guess i kinda wrote it with a bitter tone, and i'll explain why.

call me stupid, call me ignorant - hell, call me pretty. but, i thought the census was gonna be way more than just a tiny booklet asking you if you lived alone and if not, do you live with a man? and if you live with a man, who is he? a dad? a fiance? A BOYFRIEND? SHAME ON YOU. it really bummed me out. i was ready to fill out a survey, yet all the government wants is to make sure you're alive and exist and if you live with other people who are alive and existing, go ahead and write that down, too.

i wanted REAL questions like:

what is your hair color?
do you prefer TV or movies?
would you say that you typically let people merge or are you one of those assholes who cut them off and are annoyed that they're also trying to be somewhere in a timely manner?

get to KNOW me, America. don't ask me a couple questions and ASSUME you know me then blow me off. "what's there to know? you're alive and you're a female." well, guess WHAT? you're rude.

and, for the record, i typically let people merge.

advice of the day

for people who suffer from "restless leg syndrome":


Wednesday, March 17, 2010

accent consistency

i realized today during a friendly lunch with my co-workers that i am not consistent in my impressions of the most important impression-inspired person in my life...

my motha.

not only did ashley and jeff both point out to me that i talk about my mom way more than the atypical young female does, but i also use a different voice for her every time i do.

they both let me know that by the way i've described situations in the past, they hear her speaking with a Jewish/NYC accent. i realized this is probably due mostly in part to my tuna sandwich story (see older post). i explained, however, that her voice is nowhere close to that, but surprisingly more texas-twangish. of course, after explaining this though, as we were walking to my car to leave, i used the voice of an 85-year-old woman when quoting dialouge from my mom.

what can i say? i guess my impressions have multiple personalities. seems about right.

seinfeld dialouge of the day

"Red Dot" episode:

george - well just take an overview! can't you take an overview?

jerry - you want me to take an overview?

george - please!

jerry - i see a very cheap man holding a sweater trying to get away with something. that's my overview.

Sunday, March 14, 2010

have you ever made love to a thug in the club?

neither have i. however, you could come very close when you go to a place called "denim and diamonds"... which is what my friends and i did this past weekend while i was visiting KC,MO.

interested? here's the link: http://denimanddiamondskc.com/

but i'll tell you this... looking at the web site does no justice to actually experiencing it in its entirety. we drank from 1130-5 and danced from 1131-459. on any other regular day, this would not have occurred. however, because we were reuniting and because it was smack in the middle of the st. patty's day parade, we had no choice.

we encountered a slew of lesbians, some of which hit on not only myself but my good friend, geddie. at one point during the day of blur, i realized i hadn't seen geddie for a while, so i texted her asking where she was to which she replied:

"omg. someones hitting obn me. soeine uis a fenmale. im freaking out." this translates into "omg. someones hitting on me. someone is a female. im freaking out." and freaking out she was, for this "someone female" was an older lady with bleach blonde hair and a toothless smile who told geddie more than once that she had her granddaughter's eyes and then would hug stephanie tightly.

denim and diamonds not only made us very thirsty, but also very hungry. i sent a number of different people the specific poundage of food i felt i was going to need to make it through my drunk-straight-into-a-hangover phase. the magic number?


30 lbs. of food.

i had some chips and a salsa and sandwich. that's as close to 30 pounds as a human can get. AM I RIGHT OR AM I RIGHT?

denim and diamonds. diamonds and denim. the liquor tastes good but then turns into venom.


miscommunications over text

story of my life.

exhibit A:

me - rihanna's new song is so dirty

kate (not a second later) - can you believe how hot it is????

me - no!!!! it's like intense! like "time to get it up... take it take it baby baby" wtf!!!!!

kate - i meant outside. like the temperature outside. hahahahaahaha


Wednesday, March 10, 2010

seinfeld dialouge of the week

george - i never thought i'd fail at failing

jerry - oh come on now

george - i feel like i can't do anything wrong

jerry - nonsense! you do EVERYTHING wrong!

george - ...everything?

jerry - i have no confidence in you

george - all right! i guess i'll just have to pick myself up, dust myself off and throw myself right back down again!

jerry - that's the spirit - you SUCK!

george - i know!

Tuesday, March 9, 2010

tuna sandwiches

i'd like to tell you a story.

once upon a time, there was a girl who worked at her job across town from where her parents lived. one night, it was raining cats and dogs, so the girl decided it'd be a fun outing to grab an after-work beer with her co-workers. you should know that this girl lived not more than 5 minutes from any and every bar in town. so, throughout the day the girl usually spoke with her lovely mother who loves her daughters more than anything in the world. but on this particular night, the mother was extremely worried about her daughter driving in the rain to get a beer and then drinking A beer and driving home afterwards.... after having ONE beer.

she argued with her daughter continuously while her daugther kept her foot down and said, "mother, stop it. i am an adult and i live 5 minutes from every bar in town and i can handle myself in the rain after 1 beer." well, the mother just would not stop and finally offered the perfect solution. "how about instead of driving 2 seconds down the road to mingle with your co-workers, you drive 20 minutes across town in the rain on the highway and come home to me and have a tuna sandwich for dinner."

yes, that was her suggestion. rather than me drive 5 minutes to a bar, have 1 drink and drive 5 minutes home, she thought it safer to have me drive clear across town to come have..... a tuna sandwich. and if you say "tuna sandwich" in a Jewish NYC accent, it makes it even better.

there are many tuna fish in the sea, but only one Mother Ellen.

Sunday, March 7, 2010

attraction of the day

zach galifinakis.

oh, i'm sorry. do you not agree? i don't really care that much. because my mother and i both decided he's attractive and we'd be up for whatever with him.

enjoy the oscars, everybody. i know i will... on my 2000 freshman year TV that's the size of my head more or less. SOWHATWHOCARES?!

-emma out

Saturday, March 6, 2010

on another note

let's talk about 2 specific radio stations here in the D/FW area...

106.1 and 93.3


i forgot my ipod today which really sucked because i drove around a lot. and we all know what it's like to have to drive all around town listening to music you don't want to listen to. i searched my sister's entire car trying to find a forgotten CD anywhere i could and i did, however, my CD player couldn't read it. thanks a lot, 4runner douche car. so, my only option was the radio. and if every other station wasn't running commercials, 106.1 and 93.3 we're either playing that effing lady antebellum song or bad romance... AT THE SAME TIME.

WHY? DO YOU RADIO DJS NOT CHECK THE AIRWAVES? DO YOU NOT HAVE SOME SORT OF PROTOCOL SUCH AS, "HMM WELL SINCE THEY JUST PLAYED THIS ONE SONG, WE SHOULD PROOOOOBABLY WAIT AT LEAST AN HOUR BEFORE WE PLAY IT." NO. obviously not. because you 2 are always running the exact same song at almost the exact same time. and it really is either the lady antebellum one or lady gaga. always. without any question. and



bull shit.


who voted pastrami?

fess up, because that's just some bs.

Friday, March 5, 2010

ain't no sunshine... WAIT! BUT THERE IS!

finally, the sun is out and shining. wait, wouldn't it shine regardless? whatever, shut up.

i was getting pretty concerned that dallas was warping into kansas, my second home. i was also starting to feel guilty like all this unusual dallas winter was my fault for graduating from KU and bringing it back with me. oy, thank BAH-GAH i was wrong.

i hope the weather stays as is. you can just smell the difference outside - what used to smell like cold, rain, snow and a little bit of crack now smells like love, life, sex and chocolate! "my 3 weaknesses? men, shoes and chocolate - in THAT order!" hahahaha.

GO OUT AND ENJOY LIFE, PEOPLE! GO! BE FREE! I RELEASE THEE OF THE CHAINS OF WINTER! and i grant you all 3 wishes. here, i'll make them for you: that somehow all of our work establishments have no choice but to give us all summer vacations, we all lose 10 pounds instaneously and we all individually trip over huge piles of money. WHAT WHATTTTT.


Thursday, March 4, 2010

girls like pretty girls

so the other day at work, my female coworker started talking about how she goes out of her way to befriend and be overly nice to pretty women she meets because if she doesn't befriend them, she'll end up hating them because they're so pretty. as i listened to her admit all of this all i could think was...


i mean, really though. think about it. girls are jealous by nature. we're evil bitches and if someone is really pretty or has an obvious something going on for them, we have 2 choices: we can either make them our bff or hate their guts and make up lots of slutty, nasty stories about them in our heads (or to our other friends). so, although it sounds catty and awful, this coworker of mine was so right.

and the other part of the equation is that girls like having pretty friends. none of us can deny that. no girl wants to be walking around with a sub-par looking posse. we want friends who are at the same level of attractiveness as us so we a) all look good together and b) can just bask in each other's prettiness. not really, but i KNOW you know what i'm sayin.

here's to being bitches...innately.


one more, one more:

the new 31 oz. starbucks size of anything comes with a free DEPENDS adult diaper so you can drink and crap away.


Wednesday, March 3, 2010

31 oz. of pure poop

katherine/roommate just informed me that starbucks has developed a new 31 oz. size option.

really?? the venti wasn't big enough or full of enough crack for you, you coffee loons?

31 oz. any european country would spit on us. that's just ridiculous. i can barely finish a grande without having to run to the crapper halfway through, let alone 31 oz.!

however, her and i's texts about it did make for a good post. join the rant if you dare:

k - they should call it "the colon cleanse"
e - the should call it "actual liquid cocaine"
k - haha "you will seize at your desk"
e - "um yes can i have the never ending poop attack with an extra shot of vanilla?"
k - "i'll have the non fat latte in the instant diarrhea size and a scone, please"
e - LOL "can i have i wish my boyfriends dick was this long size please?"
k - hahahahaha you wish your bfriends peepee was 31 oz?? that's one sick ass chode
e - well i didn't ask ur opinion, miss barista. just pour me my instant shitter and ill be on my way
k - barista hahaha. what do you do for a living? oh, actually.. im a barista (said in pretentious voice)

and people wonder a) why we're best friends and b) what in the hell we text about so much.


Monday, March 1, 2010

here's the thing...

here's the thing.

my mom may have terrible road rage and park at 45 degree angles, but putting all that aside, she's taught me some pretty valuable driving lessons throughout the years. on top of opening my world to a slew of colorful and creative cuss word combinations (to which she would always follow up with "oh my G-d, i'm so sorry. that was terrible. don't ever repeat that!"), she taught me the vital importance of getting in your destination turn lane and STAYING in it.

yeah, it might sound a little too planned out to know you're going to turn left in 30 minutes so you stay in the left lane for the duration of your drive. but, ya know what? you know what REALLY grinds my gears (no pun toward Toyota there, even though i AM driving a 1999 4Runner and sometimes catch myself imagining what if my accelerator goes all 16-year-old "i do what i want!" on me...)? when people wait until the very last minute to switch into the lane they're supposed to be in. i don't understand it. ESPECIALLY when you're entering the highway. it's like... if you're turning left to get onto the highway, then why the eff wouldn't you be in the farthest right lane possible? do you think that's fun? do you consider it a little game for yourself to cut across 3 lanes to get onto the "on" ramp just in the knick of time? do you think you're nicholas cage or angelina jolie from the acclaimed blockbuster hit, Gone in 60 Seconds? are you pregnant with twins and on your way to retrieve 8 new foreign babies you just adopted so you think it's perfectly okay if you play the cutting-across-3-lanes-and-almost-causing-4-accidents game? well, guess what?


call me anal for being prepared ahead of time in the lane i need, but don't call me stupid for hating the ones who aren't.

thank you and good night.