Saturday, August 28, 2010

so then i was like... oh hang on....

something that's always made me chuckle internally is how NO MATTER WHAT everyone cuts off mid-sentence when you're getting into the car.

let me explain a bit more.

you're in a gossipy, dramatic conversation with your friend as you start making your way back to whoever's car you drove. as you get closer and closer to the vehicle, you have that anticipation in your gut: "oh shit. i'm reaching a pretty good part of the story, but we're almost to the car. i'm gonna have to delay my sentence for 5 solid seconds." it never fails. as soon as you are both by your respective car doors and the handles are pulled forward to open it up, whoever is talking ceases immediately or spits out some sort of quick warning like "hang on." do we REALLY need to tell the person to hang on? is it not just understood that that 2 seconds of making your way into the car pauses the conversation? oh and it's even worse if the driver has a package and has to first put the package in the backseat THEN make his/her way to the driver's seat. the conversation is dangerously at risk for a TOTAL loss then.

i just think it's so funny. why do we think that those 2 seconds of climbing into the car deafen us? we can still hear. we can still speak. our voices carry. everyone could very easily make a smooth transition from standing talking to entering the car and talking. i've been trying it out lately. you just gotta project your voice is all.

e.g. "so, i went back to get the right size and THE LADY WAS LIKE WE DON'T HAVE it anymore."

see? simple. i didn't even have to scream for an entire sentence.

TRY IT OUT. I SWEAR it works.


Saturday, August 21, 2010

prank of the year

absolut vodka should create a new flavor called: absolut boredom.

it should taste like nothing, like air.

so, really, it will be water.

but, the people drinking it (i'm picturing a "focus group" type of taste-testing scenario here) won't know this and believe it to be vodka that tastes like nothing.

therefore, they will guzzle down the absolut boredom (perhaps in the form of a martini or a boredom and soda with a lime) and ultimately act drunk.

placebo effect.

once they are told that the absolut boredom is, in fact, just water they will feel embarrassed and fake-hungover and, for the rest of their lives, claim there WAS some level of alcohol in that vodka bottle that made them "drunk."

you just got emma-pranked, biatches!


Thursday, August 19, 2010

the waitress who knew too little

sounds like an edgar allan poe poem, right? no? eff off.

i am typically a very calm, polite patron at restaurants. i think my good friends and family can vouche for that. i never cause a scene besides maybe sending a drink or a bowl of soup back if it wasn't what i was looking for (and i always do it very kindly: "i'm so sorry and i know i'm being a huge pain right now, but this just wasn't what i was hoping it would be. would you mind taking it back, bitch?"). and all this is mainly because waitresses and waiters never really cause any problems for me. yes, some tend to be slower than others or one might leave the mayo on when i specifically asked for it on the side, but all-in-all, i thoroughly enjoy the entire dining experience and i believe it enjoys me.

HOWEVER (yeah, it was coming), something extraordinary happened this past weekend at one of the most beloved drinking joints in the city (it rhymes with spoon).

6 of us were sitting at a booth. it was a saturday night, so naturally, it was busy. i handed the waitress a $20 bill to cover my drinks for the night because i didn't want to start a tab. it's just nicer sometimes to have it over and done with rather than be reminded of your stupid decision to continue spending money on unneeded beverages.

upon her appearance to take our 2nd drink order, she asked me directly, "and you gave me the $20 in cash, right?" "yeah!" i responded pleasantly.

10 minutes later she arrives with our 2nd round of drinks.

"here's your vodka soda"
"thank you!"
"and that'll be $6"
"... what?"
"it's $6"
"i gave you that $20, remember?"
"uh no you didn't"
this is when OHNOYOUDIDN'T emma arrived on the scene
"what? we JUST had this conversation. you just asked me if i was the one who gave you $20 and we both agreed that i did."
"ummm no. THAT girl did (points to friend across table), but you didn't"
i dig into my purse indignantly and pull out $2
"well, it's not in here and you just asked me if it was me and i told you yes."
"pretty sure you didn't, but okay. that's fine." WHAT???????

did she bang her head on the bar? was she hit in the back of her brain as a child? perhaps she just has no short-term memory or has split personalities. regardless, i wanted to slap her.

there is no bottom line. the girl was not well and i lost $8 and had to pay her an extra $6 that should've been covered from my $20. needless to say, i hate her and may never pay in cash again. perhaps they named the bar after (what should be) her nickname. crazy hoe.


Saturday, August 14, 2010

boom boom take it off

i have a bone or 8 to pick with blacked eye peas and ke(dollar sign)ha. you guys only make party songs. you don't think i don't know what you're trying to do there? you only ever create songs that you KNOW people are going to party to and it's sure fire thing they will jam your tune amongst a handful of people. you're so transparent.

on that note, what in the FUCK is ke$ha's new song??? let's break it down:

it's completely auto-tuned
kesha is unattractive (that's neither here nor there, it's just a general observation)
what audience is she appealing to? not dallas, that's for damn sure. i resent her for singing about glitter on the floor and going hardcore and people stripping down and freaks coming around and dirty free-for-alls. WHAT??? none of that appeals to me. i mean, MAYBE the glitter. okay and stripping down. BUT THAT'S IT. she is singing about this dirty, raunchy, glitter-filled, slutty scene. THIS ISN'T NEW YORK, OK? at least for me and i think we all know who the world revolves around and her name is me.

i'll tell you what's great though.


spin me round to that tune and i am yours. or i'll just spin myself around to that song and i'll be my own person. what?

have a great weekend, everybody

Tuesday, August 10, 2010

look what i found on craigslist! it has a face...

craigslist has a tab under its personal section that says "strictly platonic." just in case you were wanting a new friend and couldn't find one anywhere else, they offer them up on craigslist. just in case you want a really normal, everyday, trustworthy, comes from a good family, probably has good values, isn't weird in the slightest, probably has no strange fetishes - just a very buttoned-up average joe friend....... check out the "strictly platonic" area of craigslist.

i dare you.

Monday, August 2, 2010

here's a thought

why does it seem like the best versions of ourselves come out around certain people? like, people that SHOULD inspire and evoke our best sides don't really and either strangers or someone you wouldn't expect makes you feel totally like yourself and better than usual. is it because we're meant to be with those people in some way? perhaps. is it because we feel a certain pressure to act a certain way around our significant other/friend/ relative? could be. regardless, i feel that's how it is.

end serious post. begin funny post.


standing is such a chore, i have to say. i spend my days in a desk chair or a car seat (an adult one, not a baby one. only a baby one on weekends), yet as soon as i'm off work and home safe and sound, i can't wait to sit or lay down right away. we complain about sitting, that our asses hurt or we need to be up and walking around, yet as soon as we get that we're ready to sit back down almost immediately. example: in kansas city this past weekend, we sat at dinner for over 2 hours. by the end of it, our entire group was exclaiming a slew of complaints: "let's GO" "i'm so ready to move places" "i need to get up and stretch" "i'm so tired of sitting." then, we get to the next bar and there is no booth or table available. our reactions? "i need to SIT." "fuck, i'm not standing this entire time." "we need to find a booth. i don't want to stand." people are just incredibly lazy by nature. we can't help it.

baby won't you show me warmth again?