Tuesday, November 30, 2010

spreading the encouragement and joy in one fell swoop

it's quite nice when my blog-readers come forward and express love/like/interest/hate in one of my posts. i really enjoy feedback and hearing if a certain entry stood out to you, touched you, kissed you - etc etc etc (as long as it's not creepy. ahem).

today, i received the following email from a coworker and it wrapped up my day on a very positive note, so i wanted to share. here goes:

Subject: This may be creepy but I don't care...

Message: ...and considering I am about to go crazy at this desk, I figured some entertaining blog catching up would help out. And I would just like to share that the below paragraph...

"wine - okay. call me typical, call me pretentious. but this was another one i really never pictured myself being apart of or enjoying. it's another thing that comes with age - and by age, i mean being in your early 20s and being depressed over what the real world is REALLY like and resorting to the sweet nectar of vino. suddenly, what used to taste gross and looked hoity toity, tastes like home and makes you feel accomplished and grown-up. ugh so mature."

...is quite possibly the most amazing and true statement anyone has ever documented. I have never felt closer to you than while reading this paragraph.

there ya have it folks. i suppose i do have the capability to reach out and touch my followers. if you're lucky, you could be next. WINK.


Monday, November 29, 2010

back to the grind we go

i should've never taken a week off of work. it's nice while it's happening, then you are back at your desk in your office thinking, "what is this? i just spent a week doing nothing but sleeping, shopping, eating and canoodling with hoodlums and now i'm back to this?"

the only decent news so far today is that i have a story to tell and it's only 2 o'clock on a monday - not so shabby.

my work buddy and myself decided to treat ourselves to a "depressed-we're-back-at-work" lunch today and drove down the road to the local thai joint. upon our arrival, we saw that it was pretty crowded, so when the hostess offered that we sit at the bar, we gladly accepted.

there were 3 seats open at the bar, and the last one had a glass of wine and a water in front of it - obviously occupied. so, the hostess sat at us at the 2 open seats and we gaily sat down and ordered waters. not a few moments later, a crazy woman appeared behind us. her lips were so full of collagen, i was scared they would fall off at any second. and her entire face was pulled back so tightly, she looked a cat. no, really.

"what are you doing??? i was sitting there!" the feline yelled at my friend.
"what? huh?"
"WHAT are you doing??? that was MY chair. did you not see all of my stuff on the counter?" (oh, you mean the 1 wine glass and the 1 water glass... that were both sitting at the END of the counter, NOT in front of my friend's chair?)
"i'm sorry. this is where the hostess sat us."
"well i was SITTING here. ya know what. don't worry about it," screeched the cat woman as she made her way over to the hostess.

"oh my God. what just happened?" asked my paralyzed friend.
"she's insane. she's insane." usually my insight is really deep.

she slinked back over, grabbing her glass of wine and water and throwing herself out the patio door, all the while screaming to the hostess, "NO! SHE'S RUDE. SHE SHOULD GET UP FROM MY CHAIR. THAT WAS MY CHAIR. SHE'S RUDE. SO RUDE."

let me reiterate in case you didn't understand - there were 3 chairs. the cat's belongings (and by belongings i mean glass of obvious addiction and glass of purity) were sitting in front of the very empty chair at the end of the bar. my friend and i were sitting side-by-side next to that one chair. this kitty was KRAZY.

not a moment later, she returned.
"i just want to let you know that your behavior is APPALLING. APPALLING. you should get up and give me my seat back."
"but, your stuff wasn't here and the hostess sat us here."

the frisky feline then proceeded to sit out on the patio, drinking her glass of wine, all the while staring deep into space (probably day dreaming of scratching her claws on a tree trunk or pooping her wine out in a kitty litter box - sorry). my friend and i pretended we were unphased, but we both couldn't relax until the woman was gone. finally, after 15 minutes of sitting outside, she came back in, walked behind us and purred "bitch."

people are crazy, folks. they really are. let's say that middle seat had been, in fact, the woman's. is she THAT phobic of people that she wasn't willing to take the end seat and actually have to sit next to humans at the bar? no. she wanted the entire 3 seats and the counter space they provide all to herself. well guess what, cat woman? halle berry herself couldn't make you better, so i'd say you're S.O.L.

here's to felines who drink red wine during the day: CHEERS! oh. oh no. hairball.


Wednesday, November 24, 2010

tough choices

why does it feel like every time i decide today's the day i'm going to become active, i find myself at chipotle? i guess that's just how life is.

Tuesday, November 23, 2010

what i'm thankful for

ah, thanksgiving. the time of year when you gather with family from near and far, get into small tiffs, eat way too much lean meat, and pass out on the couch with your mouth open and your stomach spilling over your pant line. mmm.

i feel like my family used to go around the table and say one thing we were thankful for, but i could be completely wrong. if we did, we definitely don't do it anymore. however, just in case that tradition is re-sparked this year, i have decided to compile a small list of things that i am ultra grateful for currently:

being mobile - i never thought the day would come where i was one of those lucky people who got to tweet, facebook and whathaveyou from their cell phones, but i am happy to say it happened for me this year and, although i'm sure some of the people who see all of my updates want to smash my phone and find me annoying, it's the most fun and happy thing in the world. the question isn't WHY would you want to know what i'm doing at all times and all the random word vomit thoughts i have? it's why WOULDN'T you, you stupid hoe?

lipstick - man. i fought this one forever. my mom has been wearing lips since i can remember, and i always said i would never resort to coloring my puckers. i was determined that cherry flavored chapstick was just the right tint for me. well, i was wrong. dead wrong. you come to an age where you realize how brilliant and important it is to throw some extra colour (with a "u") on your lips to feel complete. it's amazing what a certain shade of red can do for your day and outfit, and i am glad to say i am now apart of that phenomenon.

chipotle - come on.

wine - okay. call me typical, call me pretentious. but this was another one i really never pictured myself being apart of or enjoying. it's another thing that comes with age - and by age, i mean being in your early 20s and being depressed over what the real world is REALLY like and resorting to the sweet nectar of vino. suddenly, what used to taste gross and looked hoity toity, tastes like home and makes you feel accomplished and grown-up. ugh so mature.

family and friends - awwwww

cheap jewelry - you can make it look like it didn't cost $5 at the XXI. amazing.

that's all i can dish out for now. i think that's a pretty decent list, and i also think that if i were to read this off at the table on thanksgiving night, it would be very well received, don't you?

happy thanksgiving to all and to all a good day,


Wednesday, November 17, 2010

well there goes that

i just wanted to share with everyone that i was just in the middle of leaving a voicemail for someone and got so caught up in clearly stating my cell number that i said:

"that's 555-555-5555 and i really look hearing thank you"

yes. i "really look hearing thank you." not, "i really look forward to hearing back from you." no.







no, no. thank YOU, idiot girl for leaving such a stupid, funny message on my voicemail for me to laugh at later on.


Sunday, November 14, 2010

ye olden times

would it be that bad to have to do work by candle light nowadays? we're so spoiled by light bulbs that we forget how much light a single candle can give us. it's fun, i think. i wouldn't be opposed to at least experimenting for a weekend or so with only candles for my source of lighting. give me 5 or 7 pumpkin scented candles from bed bath and body works (i confuse the two store names, so i just like to combine them now) and i'd be set with delicious smelling light. mmm. light so good you can taste it!

in other news, i just want every girl out there with ultra sensitive facial skin to know they should NEVER use kate somerville's products:

i decided to try her "gentle" daily wash and my face now looks as though i decided to stick my head in a bath full of liquid poison ivy for fun - YAY! that's right. mix in a vat of lavender scent into a sensitive skin face wash - because anyone who's anyone knows that loading up a sensitive skin product with lots of fragrance is JUST the trick to transform you into quasimoto. i have quarantined myself for today and will be ringing the bell tower's bell within the hour.


Saturday, November 13, 2010

she's done it again, folks

oh that ke$ha. if her name doesn't ooze money and fame, i don't know what does (besides a sex tape).

i'm not going to sit here on my couch in my apartment at 540pm on a saturday and deny that her songs aren't catchy - even if it was a tuesday afternoon at about 1215pm, i STILL wouldn't sit here and deny that. it's kind of like this: first, they're annoying. then, they're catchy. then, i'm singing along. then, i hate them to the point where if i hear it again, i will scream.

she's an inspiration for all non-singers out there. it's pretty easy to make up a ke$ha-esque song, and i think that's why she does it - to give all of us a chance to be just like her.

here (to the tune of her latest hit "we R who we R"):

i got my nose ring full in tact
got my knapsack packed with snacks
and by snacks i mean my jack
i drink rum-um-um DRINK RUM

tonight i'm gonna fart-art-art-art-art-art
just like my grandpa bart-art-art-art-art-art
do you think that i sound smart-art-art-art-art-art?


Thursday, November 11, 2010

playa, playa, playa, playaaaa

so what's the deal with my wine-tolerance level going way down when i'm out and about as opposed to when i'm sitting at home?

i don't quite get it. how is it that i can have a handful of glasses at home and not feel very much, yet after 2.5 out at a restaurant, i'm telling my refrigerator to "go to sleep!" that's right. after coming home from happy "hour" this week, i proceeded to make myself a makeshift dinner consisting of a bagel... cinnamon toast... and trix. then, when my refrigerator door didn't shut all the way on the first try, i exclaimed "GO TO SLEEP, FRIDGE!!!"

shortly thereafter, i said to myself, "no, YOU go to bed." and i did.

Thursday, November 4, 2010

oh and can we have some bread as a conversation filler?

you know what i find absolutely hilarious? seinfeld.

but besides that, i just think it's so girly and so funny when two ladies decide to go out to a meal together because they have "so much to catch up on." i don't think having things to catch up on is funny - actually, i take that very seriously because there usually IS a lot of stuff to catch up. in girl world, monumental events that call for a lunch date can happen within 24 hours of seeing that person originally... trust me.

the funny part about the "catch-up-i-have-so-much-to-tell-you" lunch or dinner date is that WE TALK ABOUT EVERYTHING IN THE CAR BEFORE THE ACTUAL MEAL. it's HYSTERICAL. we're so eager and just overflowing with all of this fantastic information to tell our friend that our boobs cannot hold it together long enough to get into the car, get to the restaurant, sit down and THEN start spouting off. no. this business of catching up is just way too overwhelming and we spoil every part of the stories in the car ride on the way to our catch-up lunch. or dinner.

i do it. i know you do it, too. even if you aren't a lady, i know you know ladies do this. we're just too excited. and we know the entire time we're word vomiting in the car ride that we're making the actual meal itself that much less exciting. i mean i will literally be talking out loud to my friend and simultaneously be thinking, "fuck. i'm ruining the very reason we even called this lunch to be had in the first place. what am i gonna talk to her about at the table??? i'm telling her every single thing i planned to storyboard for her once we were sitting down, ready to eat. yet, i can't stop. i cannot make myself stop talking. i just need to get it all out now. HELP! HELP ME! HELP ME, MYSELF!"

am i right or am i right? maybe we should try to break up the stories in pieces. not tell them all at once in the fated car ride to the lunch or dinner. maybe, we should fancy ourselves really good story tellers and arrive at the climax of the story RIGHT when we pull up, then wait until we've sat down to continue.

yeah, right. not gonna happen. my stories are just too damn exciting to wait.


Tuesday, November 2, 2010

i made a funny

what color are a Jewish peacock's feathers?



Monday, November 1, 2010

then and now

isn't it just wild how in college $50 was equivalent to how $300 makes you feel nowadays? with $50, you felt on top of the world. you could buy breakfast lunch and dinner and still have money left over for a t-shirt at your favorite retail store (or at least that's how it felt).

already ate at the sorority house? too bad. breakfast lunch and dinner.
your friends are cooking dinner at their place for free? don't go. breakfast lunch and dinner.

ok, ok. sorry. i stole that from kenan thompson's "the rent is too damn high" rendition on SNL. i couldn't help myself. but, for serious, $50 in college was a fucking gold mine. you felt on top of the world with that kind of money to your name. i had a bad habit in college of going to the store and buying like $100 worth of groceries, coming home and putting them away, then heading right back out to grab dinner at a restaurant. I DON'T KNOW WHAT THAT WAS ABOUT. here i just spent pretty much my entire monthly allowance on food, yet i felt so rich with whatever money i had left that i had no problem going right back out to spend it all up. that was the life. now, it's like "what are you having for dinner, sweetheart?" asks my adorable, concerned mama. "umm... ahem. pasta..... maybe some blue corn chips.... i don't know. whatever's in my pantry." so sad, but that's how it is, ya know?

$50 use to make you feel like you were one step closer to buying a macbook. now, you know you're in deep, deep shit if that's all the money you have to claim until payday. ya know, fuck rachel ray's "$40 a day." it's not on the air anymore, but when it was, i LOVED that show. oh my. watching her so savvily spend her allotted $40 to dine out all day - mother help me. i thought it was so great and she made the smartest choices. why? because then, i was like "shit! i could do that with my $50 and have $10 left! BEERS!" now, i'm like "anyone who has $40 to savvily spend on 3 separate meals in ONE day is a filthy rich asshole who should be donating to charities."

yikes. i'm gonna go cook me up some stale chips and dry pasta dinner. no, i'm kidding. it's not THAT bad. but you get the point.