i should've never taken a week off of work. it's nice while it's happening, then you are back at your desk in your office thinking, "what is this? i just spent a week doing nothing but sleeping, shopping, eating and canoodling with hoodlums and now i'm back to this?"
the only decent news so far today is that i have a story to tell and it's only 2 o'clock on a monday - not so shabby.
my work buddy and myself decided to treat ourselves to a "depressed-we're-back-at-work" lunch today and drove down the road to the local thai joint. upon our arrival, we saw that it was pretty crowded, so when the hostess offered that we sit at the bar, we gladly accepted.
there were 3 seats open at the bar, and the last one had a glass of wine and a water in front of it - obviously occupied. so, the hostess sat at us at the 2 open seats and we gaily sat down and ordered waters. not a few moments later, a crazy woman appeared behind us. her lips were so full of collagen, i was scared they would fall off at any second. and her entire face was pulled back so tightly, she looked a cat. no, really.
"what are you doing??? i was sitting there!" the feline yelled at my friend.
"what? huh?"
"WHAT are you doing??? that was MY chair. did you not see all of my stuff on the counter?" (oh, you mean the 1 wine glass and the 1 water glass... that were both sitting at the END of the counter, NOT in front of my friend's chair?)
"i'm sorry. this is where the hostess sat us."
"well i was SITTING here. ya know what. don't worry about it," screeched the cat woman as she made her way over to the hostess.
"oh my God. what just happened?" asked my paralyzed friend.
"she's insane. she's insane." usually my insight is really deep.
she slinked back over, grabbing her glass of wine and water and throwing herself out the patio door, all the while screaming to the hostess, "NO! SHE'S RUDE. SHE SHOULD GET UP FROM MY CHAIR. THAT WAS MY CHAIR. SHE'S RUDE. SO RUDE."
let me reiterate in case you didn't understand - there were 3 chairs. the cat's belongings (and by belongings i mean glass of obvious addiction and glass of purity) were sitting in front of the very empty chair at the end of the bar. my friend and i were sitting side-by-side next to that one chair. this kitty was KRAZY.
not a moment later, she returned.
"i just want to let you know that your behavior is APPALLING. APPALLING. you should get up and give me my seat back."
"but, your stuff wasn't here and the hostess sat us here."
"YOU ARE APPALLING."
the frisky feline then proceeded to sit out on the patio, drinking her glass of wine, all the while staring deep into space (probably day dreaming of scratching her claws on a tree trunk or pooping her wine out in a kitty litter box - sorry). my friend and i pretended we were unphased, but we both couldn't relax until the woman was gone. finally, after 15 minutes of sitting outside, she came back in, walked behind us and purred "bitch."
people are crazy, folks. they really are. let's say that middle seat had been, in fact, the woman's. is she THAT phobic of people that she wasn't willing to take the end seat and actually have to sit next to humans at the bar? no. she wanted the entire 3 seats and the counter space they provide all to herself. well guess what, cat woman? halle berry herself couldn't make you better, so i'd say you're S.O.L.
here's to felines who drink red wine during the day: CHEERS! oh. oh no. hairball.
-emma
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