Wednesday, January 5, 2011

evaluating life with emma

i've been told i give good advice. i've also been told i'm the epitome of someone who gives good advice, but won't listen to it themselves.

so, with that, i decided to scope out advice columns online and answer some of the questions that are sent to them in my own way. i'm not gonna sugar coat it, i'm probably not going to be reasonable, and i most likely wouldn't be telling these people what they want to hear. but, that's the harsh reality of asking me life's hard questions (which they didn't - i've just decided to interject my opinions because i think it's fun).

my process will be this: list the problem, post a picture of my initial facial reaction to the issue, then write my response. got it? let's go.

case #1 - brought to us by a magazine that rhymes with Flamour: "My boyfriend of 2 years likes to watch porn at night when he thinks I'm sleeping. It makes me feel like I'm not enough for him, like the girls in the videos have something that I don't. I've told him that it hurts me when he watches porn, but he blows it off like it's not a big deal."

hmmm.... run. run away as fast as you can (to quote Mr. West). this dude is FUCKED UP. i understand men and porn, i do. i get why and how and where and when they're drawn to it. however, the fact this guy is in a solid relationship where he is consistently (supposedly) getting sex from his extremely faithful girlfriend yet still has this need to watch dirty men and ladies (or ladies and ladies or men and men or ladies and men and animals!!!) at night, after his lover girl has frolicked off to slumberville (OR SO HE THINKS) is just fucking creepy. lemme tell you this; if i woke up in the middle of the night, and my boyfriend was enjoying a full-length feature of boobs and penises and naughty things, i'd be all like "GO WATCH THAT SHIT IN YOUR OWN APARTMENT, WITHOUT ME, FOREVER. YEAH!"

the bottom line here is: even if you aren't frisky enough for him in the sack, he a) isn't man enough to tell you and help you both improve, which means your communication with each other blows and b) that's no excuse for being that engrossed in the porn industry right in front of your sleeping face. this is a species we like to call douche baggerus extremateus with a booblicious addictius.

case #2 - comes to us from a website i found called Ask April. i'm already screwing up my process, but i needed to show you guys what April looks like:

this is my initial reaction to April:

okay, so the issue i found was as follows:

Dearest Blonde Cat Lady,
If a guy tells you that he is not ready for a relationship does he mean that he is not interested in being with that person, or that he doesn't want to commit to that person. As you can see, I need some dating advice badly.

What’s He Really Saying?

it means that he wants sexy time with you whenever he desires, but doesn't wanna have to buy you breakfast, lunch and dinner and he most CERTAINLY doesn't want to have to drop $20 on fucking movie tickets. maybe i'm not being fair, though. there's a list of other things he could be saying by saying this:

-he wants to be free to sleep with whoever he wants
-he wants to continue to be able to drink beer and do guy stuff on the weekends with no obligation to you
-you're annoying
-you're cute and you're pretty and you're pretty cute, but he's too distracted by his penis to want to do anything with that besides have sex with it
-he doesn't want the responsibility that is you
-he's a douche
-did i mention as long as you're sleeping with him with slim to no argument, what does he have to work for?

now, i could be wrong. but in my experience, and in talking with multiple other ladies like myself, i have found that men really aren't that difficult. whereas girls are completely insane, men are simple: if they want you, they want you. if they don't want you, they don't want you. shrug. next!

case #3 - from Go Ask Alice!:

Dear Alice,
I'm the peacemaker among my friends, the introverted listener. But lately I find myself dealing with my friends and their problems more than ever...It seems like I'm walking around with the weight of the world on my shoulders...Don't get me wrong, I like being trusted and thought wise for advice I give, but sometimes I know I'm just being used.

bitch, listen. your friends are CRAZY. you are not. i'm sorry you have to bear that burden, but you didn't give yourself a choice. you decided to be a normal, seemingly well-rounded and level-headed person. don't you know crazies, like myself, flock to calm people like you? maybe if you flip shit one day and start beating your chest and ram sack your friend's apartment, all the while screaming "I CAN'T TAKE IT ANYMORE! ALL YOU BITCHES ARE FUCKING NUTS! I HAD A MONSTER OF AN INGROWN HAIR LAST WEEK, BUT DID I COME CRYING TO YOU AND TURN IT INTO AN HOUR-LONG DISCUSSION ABOUT MY CHILDHOOD? NO!!!" maybe THEN they'd back down. but, like i said - you're stuck, dude. should've thought about all this before you decided to be the nice one.

and that concludes our first volume of "evaluating life with emma." feedback to this entry is encouraged.

-emma out


  1. dear emma,

    i'm a 20 something male, currently homeless in a sense (i'm in a transit phase of a larger adventure) i'm a good looking dude, but i can't for the life of me find anyone interested in me for such a short period of time. WHYYYYY DOSE NO BODY LOVE A VAGABOND EXCEPT FOR THOSE INTERESTED I HARVESTING MY DELICIOUS ORGANS?


  2. i'm liking this advice column assessment. keep it up...or else. no but seriously or else creepy mcCreeperson in the post above me will harvest your organs??? *sophie im really hoping you wrote that, in which case, luv u

  3. Gotta love random links thar show up in your feed. The j school would be so proud. I chuckled.


  4. Make this a weekly tab up at the top. Too amazing to not be. Loveeeee

  5. I agree..weekly posts please! If you ever need suggestions for issues, I'd be happy to pass along my clients'..anonymously obviously..which is still totally unethical but whatev.

    PS- I totally plan on quoting you in my status. i hope there's no copyright infringements here.