i could make a meal out of this! (and i did)

good evening and welcome to "baking with emma." on tonight's episode, emma will share her story of the first time she ever baked dessert at the ripe age of 23. how she had gotten away with only funfetti feats and pre-packaged treats thus far in her food-centric life is baffling, but herein begins the story of baking THESE.

it started out like this:

now, you may be asking yourself: "club crackers?" so did i, my skeptical bitches. but as i learned last night, club crackers can do extraordinary things when meshed with the right ingredients.

i was nervous. i really haven't ever truly baked before unless it was a box of cake. this could have something to do with that fact that, up until recently, my sweet tooth was more like a fair-weathered friend who only really called or texted if they needed something or were bored. i'll put it to you this way - i'd rather polish off a full dinner with a chipotle burrito than a piece of cake (i really do have a problem with chipotle). however, maybe it's the stressors of the real world or maybe my "let's pack on the fat" switch kicked into high gear out of nowhere, but i get these cravings for sweets lately that are run-for-your-life-if-i-don't-get-fed terrifying. so, i decided to tap into my extreme domestic side and try my small, chubby hands at baking.

the first step was lining the pan with the club crackers. "easy enough," said i to myself out loud in my kitchen alone. the only tricky part was that said crackers didn't measure up perfectly, so a tiny strip awaited at the bottom of the pan for me to sloppily cover with crumbled cracker bits. see here:

shrug. whatevs. i did what i could. something deep inside me told me not to fret and that it would all work out (probs my stomach angel), so i trekked forward.

"BAKING PARTY FOUL!" i screamed, upon haphazardly filling my cups with brown and white sugars. i thought i had remembered watching my mom take the cups and dig them into the actual containers of sugar, flour, etc then smooth them out buttttt.... i think i did something wrong because i found even more sugar on my floors this morning. whoops. i guess a true artist can't be too clean, literally and figuratively (?).

then, i went to measure out the 1 cup of butter. since i'm an ama-tour, i had to read the measurements on the actual stick itself twice to make sure i wasn't seeing things. 2 full sticks of butter = 1 cup. all righty then. away we go (and by "we" i mean my dignity):

haaaaay. it's the Jewish Paula Deen, y'all! i love butter in a pan almost as much as i love it on top of matzvah! ooo y'all! the smell of this butter reminded me of my little bubbie's tucus. that's right. my non-existent Jewish grandchild's ass smells like butta. like BUTTA.

mmm mmm. then came the mixture of the graham cracker crumbs, brown sugar, regular sugar, vanilla extract, butter and a little more dignity into the pan. it was at this point i realized "oh. i was supposed to use a saucepan. not a skillet. no wonder i'm worrying about how the hell i'm gonna pour this onto the crackers without spilling all of it." again, ama-tour.

the layering began. crackers, sex mixture, crackers, sex mixture. the smell wafting up into the air from that skillet was indescribable. i just kept exclaiming, "OH! OHHHHH MY. OH. OH," until the neighbor upstairs yelled as loud as she could, "I'LL HAVE WHAT YOU'RE HAVING!" (not really, but oh my God would that have not been hilarious?)

then, the topping. melted butterscotch morsels with nutella mixed in. WHAT? WHAT DID I JUST WRITE? yeah. i looked in the mirror after spreading this on top of all the crackers and there was nutella all over my chin. shrug.

into the fridge it went for a good hour and 15 minutes to harden. the recipe states if it stays harder for more than 4 hours to call a doctor. luckily, that wasn't the case here.

emma's baking show has been sponsored tonight by:

THE GYPSY WAGON! the best boutique in dallas, hands down. i just wanted to plug them here by showing off the mercury glass votives i purchased the other day, as well as the scarf that i don't ever want to take off. good thing dallas is 70 degrees in december so i have a lot of use for it, right?

okay and drumroll please.....................

amazing. seriously incredible. in case you missed it up there, the recipe can be found here. it came from a baking contest that the dallas morning news hosts every holiday season, and the picture looked so good, i had to try it out. they disable your speech entirely - that's why they got the #1 spot in the contest.

so there you have it, folks. i realize i didn't technically "bake" - i heated up sauce and refrigerated goodies. BUT STILL. baby steps.


we'll see you next time on...... baking! with em!ma!

-emma